I have re-written this post several times because I have been trying to find the right way to say what I wanted to say. And it hit me the other morning listening to entertainment news on my drive in to work. If you are a fan of Real Housewives of Atlanta (as I am) than you will know the newest cast member Porsha Stewart and her Husband Cordell and the drama they are going thru. To get you up to speed, Cordell is an ex-NFL pro and Porsha who's money situation is a bit shaky (she made herself out to be a socialite due to her late Grandfather's long standing foundation, yet she is staying with her moms since Cordell essentially put her out). They were married about a year (2011) before they decided to join the Real Housewives franchise and air all their laundry- and let's face it dirty laundry gets better ratings. Get all the juicy details here.
So the gist is- she wanted to have a baby and a career and he wasn't having it. This argument played out in front of millions and he came off very controlling then, and throughout the season and says he didn't like how he was being portrayed so he told her she was not to return the next season. Word on the street is that she agreed, but soon after went back to the negotiation table. He got pissed and she had to find out thru the media that he had filed for divorce. Now, it's been about 3 months since that bit of news and while there was some word that they were trying to reconcile, it was reported the other day that he locked her out the house and said he will not be responsible for her financial troubles. Really dude?!
I feel bad for her for so many reasons, because who wants to live out their dissolving marriage in front of everybody. But, at the same time, she set herself up by always considering herself to be the "trophy wife". She thought it was cute and acceptable, but is probably rethinking that title now. By sheer definition (via Wikipedia), a trophy wife "is an expression used to refer to a wife, usually young and attractive, who is regarded as a status symbol for the husband, who is often older and wealthy." It goes on to say, " The use of the term also usually reflects negatively on the character or personality of the husband, and has a connotation of narcissism and desire to impress others, and that the husband would not be able to attract the sexual interest of the attractive woman but for his wealth or position. It can also be used to imply that the trophy wife in question has little personal merit besides her physical attractiveness, and is sometimes synonymous with the term 'gold digger'."
As a person who has been through a lot of changes I know first hand that beauty fades, boobs sag, knees ache and feelings about your significant other change over time. Don't set your marriage up where you are relying on physical attributes and money to carry you through such an emotional journey where money can't buy you the real things you need. Don't be so in a rush to get a ring and have the title of "wife" that you're willing to look past the fact that neither one of you are ready to be married. And definitely don't settle and be okay with the title of "trophy wife" because you will realized that you have much more to offer than just a pretty face. Marriage takes a unique set of skills (yes, I did go Taken on y'all) that some people just don't have naturally.
Ask any person that has ever been married, or been in a long term relationship, and they will tell you that the most important skill you need to have is communication. I plan on writing an entire post on this because communication truly is key. Had Porsha and Cordell communicated there beliefs about having children, they may have saved themselves some heartache. Other skills in marriage might include problem solving skills, time management, the ability to work under pressure, among others. And I realize that this sounds like things you would put on a job application because it should, being married (even though it is worth it) is work. And it will definitely include skills like honesty, being trustworthy, patient, easy to forgive and being able to decide that divorce is not an option.
As someone who got married at the age of 24, I always tell people that unless you are already in the career you want and are financially together, waiting until closer to 30 to get married is more ideal. I am not the person I was at 24 (even though motherhood had a lot to do with that), and I did not realize until a few years into the marriage that "wife" is not just "girlfriend/fiance" on steroids, it is being my husbands best friend, confidant, counselor, life coach, road dog and lover. And in return he has to be all that for me.
Marriage should not be taken lightly and should be entered into with more thought than just wanting the title, the dress and the ring. If you don't have those special set of skills mentioned above, you may want to work on that. My husband can call me his trophy because I am a prize (snap for the kids, "Okkaayy"), but I know that he's calling me that from a place of respect and love, not from an entitlement of ownership.
Tell me what you think. Do Cordell and Porsha appear to have the wrong idea about marriage or was it the show that ruined their relationship?
See you next time.
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