Love and Marriage: Can Your Spouse Have Friends of the Opposite Sex?

Me and hubby

Two things inspired this post. One, Wendy Williams talked about it in her hot topics a couple weeks ago when she revealed that Mary J. Blige and her husband are not allowed to have friends of the opposite sex. The second thing is that my husband had a falling out with a friend, who happens to be female.

We are both grown and I tell my husband that I am going to keep it one hundred with him at all times. So, after he told me about the conversation he and his friend had, I told him that I was not sure how I felt about him arguing with another woman. By right, the only one he should have heated discussions with is me.

But, is that fair to say, that's what friends do, right? Sometimes, you disagree and that can cause tension, whether male or female. So is it a trust thing? No, I trust my husband. Am I insecure? If I'm brutally honest, yes, there are times when I am insecure, but I quickly remind myself that I'm fabulous and I get over it.

I was once told, by a male friend of mine by the way, that you can't put two attractive people together for too long before those "feelings" start creeping up. So for that reason, we do not go out to eat alone nor am I invited to his house. These are his rules, and I can respect him for his honesty. We all know that so called friend who is just waiting around for your man/ woman to mess up so that they can swoop up from behind and pick up the broken pieces. It is that "friend" who gives this male/female friendship a bad name.

As with any relationship you have with someone outside of your marriage, I think you have to set boundaries and communicate with your spouse what you are comfortable with. Can they talk on the phone, text, be Facebook friends, hang out, go to each other's family events? These are things you have to be really specific with to save yourself from an argument later.

So can your spouse have friends of the opposite sex? What are some of the rules or boundaries that you both have placed?

Forever loving my B.A.D.D. Kids (and my husband),

Rhonda

Love and Marriage: Continue to Date Each Other

So when I started writing this post about dating your spouse, I wanted to do some investigating on dating. It's not a term I hear too much these days and I wanted to know if people still do it. I often hear phrases like, "we talking", " we kicking it", "some dude I was messing with", but I hardly ever hear the word "dating". Even though I knew I would see different definitions, I wasn't even ready for the Urban Dictionary, which says it's "a form of prostitution." Say what?!

Have we lost sight of what it means to actually break bread, laugh, talk, get to know somebody before any prostitution like thoughts are had? So clearly, dating means different thing to different people.

My personal definition of dating is two people, sharing an experience that lets them get to know each other better, sharing their dreams, wishes and aspirations with, and getting to know one another on an emotional, spiritual and physical level.

It's no mystery that people change. They mature, or life in general happens and it changes their views on life. Not only that, but when you add in the daily pressure of work, bills, husband, wife, kids, house and car, life can get in the way and you look up and not only don't recognize the person you married, but you don't even recognize yourself. That's why it's so important to continue to date each other, even years after you say "I do."

So here's two of my favorite date night ideas. One is from Find Joy in the Journey Blog and the other is from Life in the Greenhouse Blog, both of which I stumbled upon on Pinterest.

12 Months of Dates- Find Joy in the Journey

Source

How it Works: Basically, you have 12 envelopes, one for each month. Inside each envelope is a pre-planned and sometimes pre-paid date. They are a mix of at home, out on the town and even one out of town date and you and your spouse open the envelope together at the beginning of the month, choose a day, and enjoy the fun. (You can plan the out of town date for your anniversary month.)
Why it Works: I love that feeling of anticipation. And nothing is better than anticipating some alone time with your boo. It gives you something to look forward to. Plus, you and your mate come together and plan, instead of leaving it up to one person.


Date Night Jar- Life in the Greenhouse

Source

How it Works: Take about 15-20 big popsicle sticks, color code them with one color for stay at home dates, one color for more planned out and expensive dates and one color for less expensive but still planned out dates. Whenever the feeling hits, decide on a budget, pull a color coordinated stick and have wonderful date night.
Why it Works: Hopefully, you have already come together and decided what date goes with what budget and it's as simple as picking a stick. Also, you don't have to have that "what do you want to do, I don't know what do you want to do conversation", which by the way, I absolutely hate.

Of course there are tons of other date night ideas you can incorporate into your relationship, these were just my favorites. Plus, they're easy to do.

Another site you can check out is The Dating Divas, they have literally tons of ideas. I love their tagline: "Strengthening marriages one date at a time", because that's exactly what dating your spouse does. 

So, tell me, what are some of your favorite date night ideas? Would you ever incorporate a date night envelope or jar to your routine? I want to know all the juicy details (well, not all), but yes, do share.

Forever loving my B.A.D.D. Kids, (and my husband, too),
Rhonda

Love and Marriage: Communication is Key

I remember in the early part of our marriage, my husband and I would argue about the most ridiculous stuff. One incident in particular (which happened 3 years ago I might add) started with me asking him for the last piece of cornbread from some BBQ take out place we love. He said no, I asked him again, he again said no, and that resulted in me slapping his plate out of his hands onto the floor. (Don't judge me.)

The reality is that it wasn't about the cornbread (even though it is that good). There were a number of things that had happened during that time and him not giving me his cornbread was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Needless to say, the argument didn't end there, I mean my man's plate was on the floor. So we went back and forth, my plate got tossed in the garbage as payback and we both went to bed mad and hungry. Let me explain. It was a year to the day that my dad had passed and I was going though some things and didn't realize it until the plate had hit the floor. But, if I would have told him that I was feeling depressed, overwhelmed and not appreciated instead of expecting him to be able to just know I was going through those things, we would have both been able to enjoy our meal.  

I said all that to say, that as a couple you have to keep the lines of communication open. You can't assume that your significant other knows what's going on in your head cause they have their own issues to deal with. If you are mad, sad or glad about something, let them know. I think I mentioned this in an earlier post, but you should check in with each other frequently, whether it's once a day or once a week, just to let them know what's going on. I hardly ever tell my husband about what's going on at work because I leave work, at work and when I'm at home it's wife and mommy mode, so I don't have time to dwell on the goings on of my job. But, when I check in with him, that gives him a chance to see that work life is just as stressful as home life and he helps out more as a result.

So #teamstaytogether came up with some rules that has helped us over the years. Do we break them from time to time? Yes, but there's no such thing as perfect people or a perfect marriage. Here's a few for your viewing pleasure:

1. Say what you mean and mean what you say. I tell people to be very careful with the words they say because words can not be taken back once they are put out there. That whole "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" saying is a lie. Words can sometimes cut so deep that people are affected years later.

2. Go to your corner and regroup.When a conversation gets heated, I have to walk away and take 2 minutes before I break rule #1.

3. Don't go days without speaking. It's not one of my best qualities, but I can hold a grudge.(Or at least I used to.) Nobody knows that better than my husband because I can play passive aggressive and sarcastic queen like nobody's business. Oh, I'll talk to you, but you only gonna get either one word answers or the total opposite of the truth. I've learned to play nice and not hold out on talking to my husband when we can't agree to disagree because frankly, life is too short.

4. Never argue in front of others, especially your kids. This is just self explanatory. Fighting with your mate is intimate and ugly and should be kept between the two of you.

5. Don't let things build up and then you argue about something as simple as a lost sock. If you've learned anything from the story above, it's that you should let your mate know when they do something that bothers you. Nobody can fix what they can't acknowledge, and if they don't know they are hurting you, it's your own fault for not letting it be known.

6. If all else fails, don't be ashamed to get professional help- sometimes a third party helps. You ever told somebody something a million and thirty-seven times, but then when they hear it one time from someone else, they "get it". I don't know what's up with that, but that is what couples counseling can do for you. Some people think it's not worth the time or money, but if your relationship is as important as you claim it is, you will exhaust all options to get your communication skills up to par. The counselor is there to observe and suggest ways to make it better. Believe me, it will work if you do the work.

Because we're in a better place, we can laugh about it now, but at the time of the cornbread debacle of 2010, it was going down. You live and you learn. Of course there are many things you can do when it comes to communicating with your spouse and you might as well become familiar with them because there is not one area of a relationship that is not held up by communication. By the way, he offers me his last piece of food almost every single time.

What are some of your communication tips?

Until next time,
Forever loving my B.A.D.D. Kids (and my Husband),
Rhonda

Love and Marriage: The Dreaded Conversations

So, if you've been keeping up with the Love and Marriage series, we've already talked about why people get married. Let's discuss those dreaded questions you should ask before the "I do's", maybe even before he pops the question. This is not a complete list, but it will at least open the door for some interesting and needed conversations.

Money-
Will we both work? Who will pay for what? Who will make sure bills are paid? Are you already in your chosen career or will you want to change careers, possibly go back to school? How much can we spend before we should consult with each other? Should we have joint bank accounts? How many bank accounts should there be total? How much should go into savings? What constitutes an emergency? What goals do we have regarding a house, vacation, etc? What is your credit score or any outstanding debts? Do you owe a relative or friend money? Do you have a problem with gambling? How much is too much to spend on a night out on the town with me or your friends? Are you considered the family ATM?

Why you need to know: Money is one of the top reasons couples argue and you need to know your soon to be's spending habits and overall thoughts about money.

Love and Marriage: Don't Settle for Trophy Wife

I have re-written this post several times because I have been trying to find the right way to say what I wanted to say. And it hit me the other morning listening to entertainment news on my drive in to work. If you are a fan of Real Housewives of Atlanta (as I am) than you will know the newest cast member Porsha Stewart and her Husband Cordell and the drama they are going thru. To get you up to speed, Cordell is an ex-NFL pro and Porsha who's money situation is a bit shaky (she made herself out to be a socialite due to her late Grandfather's long standing foundation, yet she is staying with her moms since Cordell essentially put her out). They were married about a year (2011) before they decided to join the Real Housewives franchise and air all their laundry- and let's face it dirty laundry gets better ratings. Get all the juicy details here.

So the gist is- she wanted to have a baby and a career and he wasn't having it. This argument played out in front of millions and he came off very controlling then, and throughout the season and says he didn't like how he was being portrayed so he told her she was not to return the next season. Word on the street is that she agreed, but soon after went back to the negotiation table. He got pissed and she had to find out thru the media that he had filed for divorce. Now, it's been about 3 months since that bit of news and while there was some word that they were trying to reconcile, it was reported the other day that he locked her out the house and said he will not be responsible for her financial troubles. Really dude?!

Love and Marriage...It's Complicated

So I know that this blog is supposed to be dedicated to my kids and the ups and downs of motherhood, but I have been feeling the need to write about something lately that should come as no surprise...marriage is hard. I have a series in mind, I don't know what I'm going to call it, or exactly what I want to say about it, but I feel it quite necessary in my life right now. The majority of conversations I have with people (other than hair and make-up) is about relationships. Now, I am in no way, shape or form claiming to be a master of relationships because if I was, I wouldn't be going thru the flux myself. What I am saying however is that if this relationship was a paying job, I would be making six figures as the founder and CEO for my 17 years of experience in the field. Bam!

The reason I neglected to write about my relationship before is because: 1- I don't like putting my business out there when it comes to my marriage and 2- revert back to reason #1. But, as a  person whose been in a relationship for a long time, I realize that sometimes you just have to get 'ish off your chest. Out of respect for myself and my husband I won't give details, but I will talk about some of the solutions that we have tried: some have worked, some haven't. I have learned that just like motherhood, relationships are trial and error and the only thing you strive for day to day is to not cause bodily harm not hurt any one's feelings.

I think that people who see us from the outside looking in think that we have the picture perfect life- which is how it should look- everybody at your job should not know every argument you and your spouse have on a daily basis.Those who are closest to us know that even we struggle when it comes to our family life. You have to work hard to stay on #teamstaytogether.

I'm a nerd, which I have been very open about in my life time, so I have read many a book about relationships. Some people may loathe the self-help section, but I welcome it. I've read both of Steve Harvey's books, T. D. Jakes, Joel Osteen, a book called "How to Love a Black Man" (I know, don't judge me), and some others I can't remember the titles too.  But, the best self-help book you can find out there is the Bible. You better snuggle up to it on the regular because you gone need it if you plan on having a strong and healthy relationship (whether it be with yourself, your friends and family or your man), and that's real talk.

I don't know about you, but I rather hear the trials of someone who has tried, stumbled a little and got themselves together rather than someone who pretends that their life is perfect and they make no mistakes. So here's to the first of many love and marriage entries and to happy and healthy relationships.

Forever loving my B.A.D.D. kids,
 Rhonda