So, if you've been keeping up with the Love and Marriage series, we've already talked about why people get married. Let's discuss those dreaded questions you should ask before the "I do's", maybe even before he pops the question. This is not a complete list, but it will at least open the door for some interesting and needed conversations.
Money-
Will we both work? Who will pay for what? Who will make sure bills are paid? Are you already in your chosen career or will you want to change careers, possibly go back to school? How much can we spend before we should consult with each other? Should we have joint bank accounts? How many bank accounts should there be total? How much should go into savings? What constitutes an emergency? What goals do we have regarding a house, vacation, etc? What is your credit score or any outstanding debts? Do you owe a relative or friend money? Do you have a problem with gambling? How much is too much to spend on a night out on the town with me or your friends? Are you considered the family ATM?
Why you need to know: Money is one of the top reasons couples argue and you need to know your soon to be's spending habits and overall thoughts about money.
Sex and Romance-
How often is ideal? How will we keep it interesting? How will you tell me your desires or how can I express my desires to you? Do you have any boundaries? Do you feel comfortable initiating sex? Why or why not? What do you need in order to be in the mood? What are your views on infidelity? Have you ever been a cheater or cheated on? What is your definition of cheating?
Why you need to know: There's nothing worse than not being able to enjoy your self with your significant other because you can't connect on an intimate level. This might be one of those things you think they should know, but it's better to have it all on the table than to be sleepless and sexless in Seattle.
Children-
Do you want kids? If so, how many? How will we discipline them? If one of us is on leave as a stay at home parent, how long will that last? Private school, public school or home school? How do you feel about receiving hand-me-downs or shopping at children based resale shops? What will you do when your family goes against the rules we have set up for them? Do you believe in structured parenting or are you a just wing it type of parent. If we both already have children, how will we blend the two families? How will we handle co-parenting with our exes?
Why you need to know: While having children is going to be one of the best things in life, it can also be very stressful and as parents, you have to be on the same page. Children learn very early how to try to divide and conquer.
Religious and Spiritual Beliefs-
What are your religious beliefs? If not the same as mine, can you accept that or will you want one of us to convert? How much time per week will be spent outside of the home practicing these beliefs? If we have children will they be raised in this religion? Do your beliefs impose any behavioral restrictions (dietary, social, sexual, etc.)?
Why you need to know: Spiritual beliefs are something personal but I would think it would be better for your mate to understand the beliefs that drive you and to understand your moral background. It's important to share those things with the one you love so that you can be connected spiritually as well.
Communication-
How can we make sure that our communication stays in tact? How do you handle conflict? Will you check in (emotionally) daily or weekly? Will you check-in (physically) with a phone call or text throughout the day? What can we do to keep each other a priority?
Why you need to know: When you and your mate say things like "I thought I told you", there is a problem with communication. Either someone is having imaginary conversations or someone isn't listening. Communication is key in any and every relationship. When that brakes down, you need help- fast.
Other-
What are your expectations in this marriage? Do you believe in the traditional sense of marriage and the rolls of husband and wife? How are we going to divide chores and share responsibility? What boundaries are you willing to set for your friends and family as to not let them interfere and become an unnecessary issue in our marriage?
Why you need to know: People have there own ideas of marriage and you and your mate have to decide if you are going to go with marriage in it's traditional sense (as in the woman cooks, the man makes money) or if you're going to play by your own rules. Family matters are also important. Good tip- use the line, "I need to check with my wife/husband" before you commit to any family related events.
I hope that you find this list helpful and you and your mate are on the way to wedded bliss. Until next time, keep love alive.
Forever loving my B.A.D.D. Kids.
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