I remember in the early part of our marriage, my husband and I would argue about the most ridiculous stuff. One incident in particular (which happened 3 years ago I might add) started with me asking him for the last piece of cornbread from some BBQ take out place we love. He said no, I asked him again, he again said no, and that resulted in me slapping his plate out of his hands onto the floor. (Don't judge me.)
The reality is that it wasn't about the cornbread (even though it is that good). There were a number of things that had happened during that time and him not giving me his cornbread was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Needless to say, the argument didn't end there, I mean my man's plate was on the floor. So we went back and forth, my plate got tossed in the garbage as payback and we both went to bed mad and hungry. Let me explain. It was a year to the day that my dad had passed and I was going though some things and didn't realize it until the plate had hit the floor. But, if I would have told him that I was feeling depressed, overwhelmed and not appreciated instead of expecting him to be able to just know I was going through those things, we would have both been able to enjoy our meal.
I said all that to say, that as a couple you have to keep the lines of communication open. You can't assume that your significant other knows what's going on in your head cause they have their own issues to deal with. If you are mad, sad or glad about something, let them know. I think I mentioned this in an earlier post, but you should check in with each other frequently, whether it's once a day or once a week, just to let them know what's going on. I hardly ever tell my husband about what's going on at work because I leave work, at work and when I'm at home it's wife and mommy mode, so I don't have time to dwell on the goings on of my job. But, when I check in with him, that gives him a chance to see that work life is just as stressful as home life and he helps out more as a result.
So #teamstaytogether came up with some rules that has helped us over the years. Do we break them from time to time? Yes, but there's no such thing as perfect people or a perfect marriage. Here's a few for your viewing pleasure:
1. Say what you mean and mean what you say. I tell people to be very careful with the words they say because words can not be taken back once they are put out there. That whole "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" saying is a lie. Words can sometimes cut so deep that people are affected years later.
2. Go to your corner and regroup.When a conversation gets heated, I have to walk away and take 2 minutes before I break rule #1.
3. Don't go days without speaking. It's not one of my best qualities, but I can hold a grudge.(Or at least I used to.) Nobody knows that better than my husband because I can play passive aggressive and sarcastic queen like nobody's business. Oh, I'll talk to you, but you only gonna get either one word answers or the total opposite of the truth. I've learned to play nice and not hold out on talking to my husband when we can't agree to disagree because frankly, life is too short.
4. Never argue in front of others, especially your kids. This is just self explanatory. Fighting with your mate is intimate and ugly and should be kept between the two of you.
5. Don't let things build up and then you argue about something as simple as a lost sock. If you've learned anything from the story above, it's that you should let your mate know when they do something that bothers you. Nobody can fix what they can't acknowledge, and if they don't know they are hurting you, it's your own fault for not letting it be known.
6. If all else fails, don't be ashamed to get professional help- sometimes a third party helps. You ever told somebody something a million and thirty-seven times, but then when they hear it one time from someone else, they "get it". I don't know what's up with that, but that is what couples counseling can do for you. Some people think it's not worth the time or money, but if your relationship is as important as you claim it is, you will exhaust all options to get your communication skills up to par. The counselor is there to observe and suggest ways to make it better. Believe me, it will work if you do the work.
Because we're in a better place, we can laugh about it now, but at the time of the cornbread debacle of 2010, it was going down. You live and you learn. Of course there are many things you can do when it comes to communicating with your spouse and you might as well become familiar with them because there is not one area of a relationship that is not held up by communication. By the way, he offers me his last piece of food almost every single time.
What are some of your communication tips?
Until next time,
Forever loving my B.A.D.D. Kids (and my Husband),
Rhonda
5. Don't let things build up and then you argue about something as simple as a lost sock. If you've learned anything from the story above, it's that you should let your mate know when they do something that bothers you. Nobody can fix what they can't acknowledge, and if they don't know they are hurting you, it's your own fault for not letting it be known.
6. If all else fails, don't be ashamed to get professional help- sometimes a third party helps. You ever told somebody something a million and thirty-seven times, but then when they hear it one time from someone else, they "get it". I don't know what's up with that, but that is what couples counseling can do for you. Some people think it's not worth the time or money, but if your relationship is as important as you claim it is, you will exhaust all options to get your communication skills up to par. The counselor is there to observe and suggest ways to make it better. Believe me, it will work if you do the work.
Because we're in a better place, we can laugh about it now, but at the time of the cornbread debacle of 2010, it was going down. You live and you learn. Of course there are many things you can do when it comes to communicating with your spouse and you might as well become familiar with them because there is not one area of a relationship that is not held up by communication. By the way, he offers me his last piece of food almost every single time.
What are some of your communication tips?
Until next time,
Forever loving my B.A.D.D. Kids (and my Husband),
Rhonda
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