Love and Marriage: A Year of Dates- February

As we say hello to March and good bye to February, all I can say is ...good riddance. It was the coldest month we've had historically since the 1800's. And while it was bone chilling cold inside and out (our furnace was out for a few days), we tried to turn up the romance for our date night this month. This month's date night did happen on Valentine's Day and while it was not exactly what I had planned, it was still sweet just the same.

The Plan: A Spa Night for Two
We were supposed to have a nice, relaxing night at home and I was going to put my Esthetician skills to use and break out the chocolate fondue. But, instead we had a romantic candlelight dinner for 4. The kids joined us and were so excited about it that it made me happy to see their glowing eyes. Plus, my hubby had fried up some seafood, I had my glass of wine and was in total relaxation mode.

I didn't take any picks because I was so relaxed I chose to be in my robe all day. I did make a couple of Man Baskets (one for hubby and another one my mom purchased from me).

Since our original date night didn't go exactly as planned, we had an impromptu date the following Friday. It worked out because the kids were out on a too cold to go to school day. We went to dinner and a step show that my church was having for their college weekend. It took me back to when I was that age and it was cool to just do something out of the norm.

Like I said before, having a monthly date night is about having fun and getting out of the day to day rut of family, work, kids, repeat. It keeps the lines of communication open and helps remind you of what attracted you to each other and why you got married in the first place. Don't miss out on the opportunity to enjoy each other's company.

What did you and your mate do for Valentine's Day? Until next time.

Forever loving my B.A.D.D. Kids (and my Husband),
Rhonda

Five Words That Will Set You Free

We have family meetings in my house. Usually only once a month just to go over the social calendar for my kids (I don't have much of a social life outside of work and church/choir), to make sure everybody is on the same page and give the kids an opportunity to have the floor and our undivided attention.

But, every now and then I have to call a meeting when things are out of control (at least for me). When clothes and toys are all over the floor, homework isn't being done, library books are overdue, etc, I have to call a meeting to get my troops back in line. I made it known to them that if I ask them to do something and they don't, there will be consequences. I'm not one of those mothers who just threatens either, I back mine up. My son just got his tablet back after not having it the entire summer.

Not only that, but I have to remind my husband that I can't be everywhere at once. You ever ask someone to remind you to do something and they don't and then you have to fuss at them for not remembering to remind you. Yeah, that happens in our house a lot. Threatening a grown man didn't work cause he just gave me side eye. So at our last meeting I decided to be more creative with him.

My husband says that he wants to help take some of the pressure and stress off of me, but it doesn't always work because while I was willing to give him half or part of the responsibility by having him remind me, the control freak in me wasn't willing to let it go completely. So in an effort to let some things go I decided to put these 5 words into my vocabulary: "I'm making it your responsibility."

What that means for me is that I am giving it to him to take care of from start to finish. I am not checking behind him to see if it was done (well, maybe once) and I am freeing myself from the guilt of not being supermom. I make sure that I look him squarely in the eyes, recite my 5 magical words and wait for a response from him, whether it be a laugh, shoulder shrug, eye roll or simple "yes". When I know he has received his challenge I let it go. I don't know if he had been fooling me all this time with his convenient memory loss or he just wants to prove himself, but it has been working so far. Either that, or I've freed myself from it so much that I don't remember what the heck I asked him to do. In any case, there have not been any catastrophes so we're good.

Ok, moms and wives, I challenge you to relinquish some of the control. Start handing out some of the responsibility and tell me how you feel!

Forever loving my BADD Kids,
Rhonda

Are you guilty of "Mom Shaming"?

So, I'm sure you've heard of dog shaming: when a owner posts a picture of something crazy their pet did. I must admit some of the pics I've seen are kind of funny. Here are a few of my favorites:

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Pet shaming is harmless, they don't know what's going on and nobody's feelings are hurt (except the dog, maybe, but they get over it). But, you know what I can't stand and is when people Mom Shame. They make you feel guilty about not being able to do something because of responsibilities at home. It can cause people like me to Mom Shame myself sometimes off of pure guilt that I clearly am not the SuperMom they think I should be.

"But, Rhonda, nobody has taken a picture of you with a sign that reads, 'I let my kids wear the same jeans 3 times in a week as long as they don't stink and are not physically soiled'." No, they have not, thank God, but if you have heard or said any of the following you have been exposed to Mom Shaming:

 "Oh, I didn't invite you because I figured you had to do something with your kids."

 "You get take-out on Wednesdays? We usually save that for the weekends."

 "My children don't eat gluten or monosaturated fats." 

 "We missed you at the last meeting."

 "We were short staffed since you had to call in to take care of your sick child."

 "If you can't be committed, then please re-evaluate your membership."

 "Maybe you'll get to help out at the next fundraiser."

 "Nick's mom let him have a phone."

 "Please check one: Yes, I can help out for the school event in the morning, Yes, I can help out for the school event in the afternoon, No, I am unable to help out at this event or any other because I work."

Okay, so that last one was not worded exactly like that, but that's how I felt. There is a ton of guilt associated with being a mom, especially a working one who has dreams and goals of her own. I am not just a mother of two, I am a wife, a colleague, a dreamer, a writer, a songbird, a visionary, a counselor, and much much more. So while some of the shame is self-inflicted, I have to remind myself of all these complexities that create me. As long as my children are healthy, happy and satisfied, I can rest easy at night and could care less of what anyone thinks about my parenting abilities. Hashtag please go have several seats.

Has anyone every Mom Shamed you? How did you handle it?

Forever loving my BADD Kids,

Rhonda

Before and After Kids- A Mother's Reflection

There's a picture I have on my bookshelf with me and my friends from a party circa 2004. My hair was a little bit shorter, my nails were done and I was probably a size or two smaller. I don't remember much about that night and if it weren't for the picture I probably wouldn't even have thought twice about it. It just made me think about how life BK (before kids) was and how it seems like such a distant memory. The picture was a year before I got the title of "mommy", but I just wanted to share some ways my life has changed since then.

Y'all know about that club pose, don't front.- 2004

College Graduation- Dec. 2003

My baby shower Oct. 2005

Before Kids:
- My girl would call me up, last minute, sometimes after midnight to go hang out and I would be up and out the door. Now- there are no calls after midnight. There are no calls after 10 for that matter.

-I would hang out/ party at least once a month. Now- I still party, but it's usually in the company of babies and grade schoolers- a lot of them.

-Sleeping in meant getting up around 10 or 11. Now- sleeping in doesn't exist, these kids are up at 7:30 every morning.

-I would go the restroom alone. Now-  they want to hold family meetings when I'm on the porcelain throne.

-Going out to eat was a normal, everyday thing. Now- there has to be a budget/ coupon/ 2 for 1 special to feed my family of 4.

- I felt cute and sexy 80% of the time. Now- I find it hard to come out of "mommy mode" for some grown and sexy time. (Sorry hubby).

- I didn't even like kids. Now- I still don't. I love my children dearly.

- If I was sick, I would lay down and sleep it off. Now- moms don't get sick.

- On my days off, you could find me at the mall, at a restaurant or at the movies. Now- A day off from work just means a day on for housework and errands. In other words, moms don't get off days either.

- Date night was nothing but fun. Now- date night can be stressful when you have to find a babysitter, spend money you don't have on a movie that you may or may not like or fall asleep on.

- I could finish a meal with no interruptions. Now- yeah right.

I never knew that these little people could control my life in this way. Now- I can't imagine my life without them.

July 4th, 2014

Forever loving my B.A.D.D. kids,
Rhonda

Moving Tips...Not Really

It's funny that s fast as I wrote the post saying that I was combining my two blogs into one, I decided not to. I take pleasure in knowing that as a woman, (not to mention owner of the blogs in question), I can and will change my mind. #sorrynotsorry

So I realized that I had been so busy, that I didn't get a chance to spread the good news...We moved! We've been in the new house for a little over a month now and I absolutely love it. Moving from an apartment to a house was the best and long awaited thing I've done. Yes, I'm paying more a month, but it's worth every dime.

In addition to more space, we have peace of mind and wonderful neighbors. For anyone who remembers my Facebook posts over the years, I have had more than my share of neighbors from hell. I've had my packages stolen, my apartment nearly broken into, loud cursing, screaming and fighting all times of the night, and copper thieves who caused us to have to be evacuated. Needless to say, I don't miss a thing about apartment living and for those who are still enduring, may God be with you.

I was on Pinterest looking at other blogs' moving tips and I had gathered all my supplies: boxes, packaging tape, markers, bags, etc. I had planned on labeling each room a different color and since we had several weeks to move, I thought this was going to be the best moving experience we've had.

I would love to tell you that's what happened and I would love to give you helpful hints about moving and how to make it easy and stress free. Unfortunately, that just didn't happen for me, so I got nothing. There was broken furniture, punctured walls, too many masculine egos and tight jaws (maybe even a broken tooth) from me choosing to keep my mouth shut. But, what I do have is appreciation to my family for helping us move. But for the sake of our sanity and my teeth, I'm hiring movers next time.

Tell me something crazy that happened during your move.

Forever loving my B.A.D.D. Kids!

Love and Marriage: Communication is Key

I remember in the early part of our marriage, my husband and I would argue about the most ridiculous stuff. One incident in particular (which happened 3 years ago I might add) started with me asking him for the last piece of cornbread from some BBQ take out place we love. He said no, I asked him again, he again said no, and that resulted in me slapping his plate out of his hands onto the floor. (Don't judge me.)

The reality is that it wasn't about the cornbread (even though it is that good). There were a number of things that had happened during that time and him not giving me his cornbread was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Needless to say, the argument didn't end there, I mean my man's plate was on the floor. So we went back and forth, my plate got tossed in the garbage as payback and we both went to bed mad and hungry. Let me explain. It was a year to the day that my dad had passed and I was going though some things and didn't realize it until the plate had hit the floor. But, if I would have told him that I was feeling depressed, overwhelmed and not appreciated instead of expecting him to be able to just know I was going through those things, we would have both been able to enjoy our meal.  

I said all that to say, that as a couple you have to keep the lines of communication open. You can't assume that your significant other knows what's going on in your head cause they have their own issues to deal with. If you are mad, sad or glad about something, let them know. I think I mentioned this in an earlier post, but you should check in with each other frequently, whether it's once a day or once a week, just to let them know what's going on. I hardly ever tell my husband about what's going on at work because I leave work, at work and when I'm at home it's wife and mommy mode, so I don't have time to dwell on the goings on of my job. But, when I check in with him, that gives him a chance to see that work life is just as stressful as home life and he helps out more as a result.

So #teamstaytogether came up with some rules that has helped us over the years. Do we break them from time to time? Yes, but there's no such thing as perfect people or a perfect marriage. Here's a few for your viewing pleasure:

1. Say what you mean and mean what you say. I tell people to be very careful with the words they say because words can not be taken back once they are put out there. That whole "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" saying is a lie. Words can sometimes cut so deep that people are affected years later.

2. Go to your corner and regroup.When a conversation gets heated, I have to walk away and take 2 minutes before I break rule #1.

3. Don't go days without speaking. It's not one of my best qualities, but I can hold a grudge.(Or at least I used to.) Nobody knows that better than my husband because I can play passive aggressive and sarcastic queen like nobody's business. Oh, I'll talk to you, but you only gonna get either one word answers or the total opposite of the truth. I've learned to play nice and not hold out on talking to my husband when we can't agree to disagree because frankly, life is too short.

4. Never argue in front of others, especially your kids. This is just self explanatory. Fighting with your mate is intimate and ugly and should be kept between the two of you.

5. Don't let things build up and then you argue about something as simple as a lost sock. If you've learned anything from the story above, it's that you should let your mate know when they do something that bothers you. Nobody can fix what they can't acknowledge, and if they don't know they are hurting you, it's your own fault for not letting it be known.

6. If all else fails, don't be ashamed to get professional help- sometimes a third party helps. You ever told somebody something a million and thirty-seven times, but then when they hear it one time from someone else, they "get it". I don't know what's up with that, but that is what couples counseling can do for you. Some people think it's not worth the time or money, but if your relationship is as important as you claim it is, you will exhaust all options to get your communication skills up to par. The counselor is there to observe and suggest ways to make it better. Believe me, it will work if you do the work.

Because we're in a better place, we can laugh about it now, but at the time of the cornbread debacle of 2010, it was going down. You live and you learn. Of course there are many things you can do when it comes to communicating with your spouse and you might as well become familiar with them because there is not one area of a relationship that is not held up by communication. By the way, he offers me his last piece of food almost every single time.

What are some of your communication tips?

Until next time,
Forever loving my B.A.D.D. Kids (and my Husband),
Rhonda

Love and Marriage...It's Complicated

So I know that this blog is supposed to be dedicated to my kids and the ups and downs of motherhood, but I have been feeling the need to write about something lately that should come as no surprise...marriage is hard. I have a series in mind, I don't know what I'm going to call it, or exactly what I want to say about it, but I feel it quite necessary in my life right now. The majority of conversations I have with people (other than hair and make-up) is about relationships. Now, I am in no way, shape or form claiming to be a master of relationships because if I was, I wouldn't be going thru the flux myself. What I am saying however is that if this relationship was a paying job, I would be making six figures as the founder and CEO for my 17 years of experience in the field. Bam!

The reason I neglected to write about my relationship before is because: 1- I don't like putting my business out there when it comes to my marriage and 2- revert back to reason #1. But, as a  person whose been in a relationship for a long time, I realize that sometimes you just have to get 'ish off your chest. Out of respect for myself and my husband I won't give details, but I will talk about some of the solutions that we have tried: some have worked, some haven't. I have learned that just like motherhood, relationships are trial and error and the only thing you strive for day to day is to not cause bodily harm not hurt any one's feelings.

I think that people who see us from the outside looking in think that we have the picture perfect life- which is how it should look- everybody at your job should not know every argument you and your spouse have on a daily basis.Those who are closest to us know that even we struggle when it comes to our family life. You have to work hard to stay on #teamstaytogether.

I'm a nerd, which I have been very open about in my life time, so I have read many a book about relationships. Some people may loathe the self-help section, but I welcome it. I've read both of Steve Harvey's books, T. D. Jakes, Joel Osteen, a book called "How to Love a Black Man" (I know, don't judge me), and some others I can't remember the titles too.  But, the best self-help book you can find out there is the Bible. You better snuggle up to it on the regular because you gone need it if you plan on having a strong and healthy relationship (whether it be with yourself, your friends and family or your man), and that's real talk.

I don't know about you, but I rather hear the trials of someone who has tried, stumbled a little and got themselves together rather than someone who pretends that their life is perfect and they make no mistakes. So here's to the first of many love and marriage entries and to happy and healthy relationships.

Forever loving my B.A.D.D. kids,
 Rhonda