Love and Marriage: A Year of Dates- February

As we say hello to March and good bye to February, all I can say is ...good riddance. It was the coldest month we've had historically since the 1800's. And while it was bone chilling cold inside and out (our furnace was out for a few days), we tried to turn up the romance for our date night this month. This month's date night did happen on Valentine's Day and while it was not exactly what I had planned, it was still sweet just the same.

The Plan: A Spa Night for Two
We were supposed to have a nice, relaxing night at home and I was going to put my Esthetician skills to use and break out the chocolate fondue. But, instead we had a romantic candlelight dinner for 4. The kids joined us and were so excited about it that it made me happy to see their glowing eyes. Plus, my hubby had fried up some seafood, I had my glass of wine and was in total relaxation mode.

I didn't take any picks because I was so relaxed I chose to be in my robe all day. I did make a couple of Man Baskets (one for hubby and another one my mom purchased from me).

Since our original date night didn't go exactly as planned, we had an impromptu date the following Friday. It worked out because the kids were out on a too cold to go to school day. We went to dinner and a step show that my church was having for their college weekend. It took me back to when I was that age and it was cool to just do something out of the norm.

Like I said before, having a monthly date night is about having fun and getting out of the day to day rut of family, work, kids, repeat. It keeps the lines of communication open and helps remind you of what attracted you to each other and why you got married in the first place. Don't miss out on the opportunity to enjoy each other's company.

What did you and your mate do for Valentine's Day? Until next time.

Forever loving my B.A.D.D. Kids (and my Husband),
Rhonda

Love and Marriage: A Year of Dates- January

I had got the idea a couple of years ago from The Dating Divas blog to give to my husband as a gift, a year of dates. I planned out a date for each month, alternating out on the town dates and home dates and even bought gift cards for some of them. I put it in a really cute envelope with a picture of us on it and explained to him that since I had essentially done all the planning, all he had to do was pick the date we would go out and execute.

Well, our year of dates never happened. Why? Let's just say that whole leading the horse to water metaphor is definitely true. So after a couple of years, yes years of sparadic date nights and unfulfilled expectations, I decided to take it in my own hands and make date night happen for real this time.

How am I going to make it happen? By not giving him any other choice. By using the art of persuasion. To be fair I'll only suggest the weekends that he does not have to work. But I will be cute, we will have fun, and we will spend QUALITY time together.

Here's the date card:

So how did we spend January's date night? We kept it simple and started the year off with dinner and a movie.

Where we ate: Ruby Tuesday 

What we saw: The Wedding Ringer

First, let me say that my first pick will always be a comedy or action movie. And this was a great date night movie. In addition to the hilarity that is Kevin Hart, there was an underlining message to the film that should have a lot of couples saying "hmmm" at the end of the night.

Me and my hubby had some good food an some good laughs, so I would rate this date night a total success.

Until February's date night. Hint: we will be celebrating the month of love.

Forever loving my B.A.D.D. Kids (and my husband),

Rhonda

Love and Marriage: Can Your Spouse Have Friends of the Opposite Sex?

Me and hubby

Two things inspired this post. One, Wendy Williams talked about it in her hot topics a couple weeks ago when she revealed that Mary J. Blige and her husband are not allowed to have friends of the opposite sex. The second thing is that my husband had a falling out with a friend, who happens to be female.

We are both grown and I tell my husband that I am going to keep it one hundred with him at all times. So, after he told me about the conversation he and his friend had, I told him that I was not sure how I felt about him arguing with another woman. By right, the only one he should have heated discussions with is me.

But, is that fair to say, that's what friends do, right? Sometimes, you disagree and that can cause tension, whether male or female. So is it a trust thing? No, I trust my husband. Am I insecure? If I'm brutally honest, yes, there are times when I am insecure, but I quickly remind myself that I'm fabulous and I get over it.

I was once told, by a male friend of mine by the way, that you can't put two attractive people together for too long before those "feelings" start creeping up. So for that reason, we do not go out to eat alone nor am I invited to his house. These are his rules, and I can respect him for his honesty. We all know that so called friend who is just waiting around for your man/ woman to mess up so that they can swoop up from behind and pick up the broken pieces. It is that "friend" who gives this male/female friendship a bad name.

As with any relationship you have with someone outside of your marriage, I think you have to set boundaries and communicate with your spouse what you are comfortable with. Can they talk on the phone, text, be Facebook friends, hang out, go to each other's family events? These are things you have to be really specific with to save yourself from an argument later.

So can your spouse have friends of the opposite sex? What are some of the rules or boundaries that you both have placed?

Forever loving my B.A.D.D. Kids (and my husband),

Rhonda

Five Words That Will Set You Free

We have family meetings in my house. Usually only once a month just to go over the social calendar for my kids (I don't have much of a social life outside of work and church/choir), to make sure everybody is on the same page and give the kids an opportunity to have the floor and our undivided attention.

But, every now and then I have to call a meeting when things are out of control (at least for me). When clothes and toys are all over the floor, homework isn't being done, library books are overdue, etc, I have to call a meeting to get my troops back in line. I made it known to them that if I ask them to do something and they don't, there will be consequences. I'm not one of those mothers who just threatens either, I back mine up. My son just got his tablet back after not having it the entire summer.

Not only that, but I have to remind my husband that I can't be everywhere at once. You ever ask someone to remind you to do something and they don't and then you have to fuss at them for not remembering to remind you. Yeah, that happens in our house a lot. Threatening a grown man didn't work cause he just gave me side eye. So at our last meeting I decided to be more creative with him.

My husband says that he wants to help take some of the pressure and stress off of me, but it doesn't always work because while I was willing to give him half or part of the responsibility by having him remind me, the control freak in me wasn't willing to let it go completely. So in an effort to let some things go I decided to put these 5 words into my vocabulary: "I'm making it your responsibility."

What that means for me is that I am giving it to him to take care of from start to finish. I am not checking behind him to see if it was done (well, maybe once) and I am freeing myself from the guilt of not being supermom. I make sure that I look him squarely in the eyes, recite my 5 magical words and wait for a response from him, whether it be a laugh, shoulder shrug, eye roll or simple "yes". When I know he has received his challenge I let it go. I don't know if he had been fooling me all this time with his convenient memory loss or he just wants to prove himself, but it has been working so far. Either that, or I've freed myself from it so much that I don't remember what the heck I asked him to do. In any case, there have not been any catastrophes so we're good.

Ok, moms and wives, I challenge you to relinquish some of the control. Start handing out some of the responsibility and tell me how you feel!

Forever loving my BADD Kids,
Rhonda

Love and Marriage: Continue to Date Each Other

So when I started writing this post about dating your spouse, I wanted to do some investigating on dating. It's not a term I hear too much these days and I wanted to know if people still do it. I often hear phrases like, "we talking", " we kicking it", "some dude I was messing with", but I hardly ever hear the word "dating". Even though I knew I would see different definitions, I wasn't even ready for the Urban Dictionary, which says it's "a form of prostitution." Say what?!

Have we lost sight of what it means to actually break bread, laugh, talk, get to know somebody before any prostitution like thoughts are had? So clearly, dating means different thing to different people.

My personal definition of dating is two people, sharing an experience that lets them get to know each other better, sharing their dreams, wishes and aspirations with, and getting to know one another on an emotional, spiritual and physical level.

It's no mystery that people change. They mature, or life in general happens and it changes their views on life. Not only that, but when you add in the daily pressure of work, bills, husband, wife, kids, house and car, life can get in the way and you look up and not only don't recognize the person you married, but you don't even recognize yourself. That's why it's so important to continue to date each other, even years after you say "I do."

So here's two of my favorite date night ideas. One is from Find Joy in the Journey Blog and the other is from Life in the Greenhouse Blog, both of which I stumbled upon on Pinterest.

12 Months of Dates- Find Joy in the Journey

Source

How it Works: Basically, you have 12 envelopes, one for each month. Inside each envelope is a pre-planned and sometimes pre-paid date. They are a mix of at home, out on the town and even one out of town date and you and your spouse open the envelope together at the beginning of the month, choose a day, and enjoy the fun. (You can plan the out of town date for your anniversary month.)
Why it Works: I love that feeling of anticipation. And nothing is better than anticipating some alone time with your boo. It gives you something to look forward to. Plus, you and your mate come together and plan, instead of leaving it up to one person.


Date Night Jar- Life in the Greenhouse

Source

How it Works: Take about 15-20 big popsicle sticks, color code them with one color for stay at home dates, one color for more planned out and expensive dates and one color for less expensive but still planned out dates. Whenever the feeling hits, decide on a budget, pull a color coordinated stick and have wonderful date night.
Why it Works: Hopefully, you have already come together and decided what date goes with what budget and it's as simple as picking a stick. Also, you don't have to have that "what do you want to do, I don't know what do you want to do conversation", which by the way, I absolutely hate.

Of course there are tons of other date night ideas you can incorporate into your relationship, these were just my favorites. Plus, they're easy to do.

Another site you can check out is The Dating Divas, they have literally tons of ideas. I love their tagline: "Strengthening marriages one date at a time", because that's exactly what dating your spouse does. 

So, tell me, what are some of your favorite date night ideas? Would you ever incorporate a date night envelope or jar to your routine? I want to know all the juicy details (well, not all), but yes, do share.

Forever loving my B.A.D.D. Kids, (and my husband, too),
Rhonda

Love and Marriage: Communication is Key

I remember in the early part of our marriage, my husband and I would argue about the most ridiculous stuff. One incident in particular (which happened 3 years ago I might add) started with me asking him for the last piece of cornbread from some BBQ take out place we love. He said no, I asked him again, he again said no, and that resulted in me slapping his plate out of his hands onto the floor. (Don't judge me.)

The reality is that it wasn't about the cornbread (even though it is that good). There were a number of things that had happened during that time and him not giving me his cornbread was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Needless to say, the argument didn't end there, I mean my man's plate was on the floor. So we went back and forth, my plate got tossed in the garbage as payback and we both went to bed mad and hungry. Let me explain. It was a year to the day that my dad had passed and I was going though some things and didn't realize it until the plate had hit the floor. But, if I would have told him that I was feeling depressed, overwhelmed and not appreciated instead of expecting him to be able to just know I was going through those things, we would have both been able to enjoy our meal.  

I said all that to say, that as a couple you have to keep the lines of communication open. You can't assume that your significant other knows what's going on in your head cause they have their own issues to deal with. If you are mad, sad or glad about something, let them know. I think I mentioned this in an earlier post, but you should check in with each other frequently, whether it's once a day or once a week, just to let them know what's going on. I hardly ever tell my husband about what's going on at work because I leave work, at work and when I'm at home it's wife and mommy mode, so I don't have time to dwell on the goings on of my job. But, when I check in with him, that gives him a chance to see that work life is just as stressful as home life and he helps out more as a result.

So #teamstaytogether came up with some rules that has helped us over the years. Do we break them from time to time? Yes, but there's no such thing as perfect people or a perfect marriage. Here's a few for your viewing pleasure:

1. Say what you mean and mean what you say. I tell people to be very careful with the words they say because words can not be taken back once they are put out there. That whole "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" saying is a lie. Words can sometimes cut so deep that people are affected years later.

2. Go to your corner and regroup.When a conversation gets heated, I have to walk away and take 2 minutes before I break rule #1.

3. Don't go days without speaking. It's not one of my best qualities, but I can hold a grudge.(Or at least I used to.) Nobody knows that better than my husband because I can play passive aggressive and sarcastic queen like nobody's business. Oh, I'll talk to you, but you only gonna get either one word answers or the total opposite of the truth. I've learned to play nice and not hold out on talking to my husband when we can't agree to disagree because frankly, life is too short.

4. Never argue in front of others, especially your kids. This is just self explanatory. Fighting with your mate is intimate and ugly and should be kept between the two of you.

5. Don't let things build up and then you argue about something as simple as a lost sock. If you've learned anything from the story above, it's that you should let your mate know when they do something that bothers you. Nobody can fix what they can't acknowledge, and if they don't know they are hurting you, it's your own fault for not letting it be known.

6. If all else fails, don't be ashamed to get professional help- sometimes a third party helps. You ever told somebody something a million and thirty-seven times, but then when they hear it one time from someone else, they "get it". I don't know what's up with that, but that is what couples counseling can do for you. Some people think it's not worth the time or money, but if your relationship is as important as you claim it is, you will exhaust all options to get your communication skills up to par. The counselor is there to observe and suggest ways to make it better. Believe me, it will work if you do the work.

Because we're in a better place, we can laugh about it now, but at the time of the cornbread debacle of 2010, it was going down. You live and you learn. Of course there are many things you can do when it comes to communicating with your spouse and you might as well become familiar with them because there is not one area of a relationship that is not held up by communication. By the way, he offers me his last piece of food almost every single time.

What are some of your communication tips?

Until next time,
Forever loving my B.A.D.D. Kids (and my Husband),
Rhonda

Love and Marriage: The Dreaded Conversations

So, if you've been keeping up with the Love and Marriage series, we've already talked about why people get married. Let's discuss those dreaded questions you should ask before the "I do's", maybe even before he pops the question. This is not a complete list, but it will at least open the door for some interesting and needed conversations.

Money-
Will we both work? Who will pay for what? Who will make sure bills are paid? Are you already in your chosen career or will you want to change careers, possibly go back to school? How much can we spend before we should consult with each other? Should we have joint bank accounts? How many bank accounts should there be total? How much should go into savings? What constitutes an emergency? What goals do we have regarding a house, vacation, etc? What is your credit score or any outstanding debts? Do you owe a relative or friend money? Do you have a problem with gambling? How much is too much to spend on a night out on the town with me or your friends? Are you considered the family ATM?

Why you need to know: Money is one of the top reasons couples argue and you need to know your soon to be's spending habits and overall thoughts about money.

Love and Marriage: Don't Settle for Trophy Wife

I have re-written this post several times because I have been trying to find the right way to say what I wanted to say. And it hit me the other morning listening to entertainment news on my drive in to work. If you are a fan of Real Housewives of Atlanta (as I am) than you will know the newest cast member Porsha Stewart and her Husband Cordell and the drama they are going thru. To get you up to speed, Cordell is an ex-NFL pro and Porsha who's money situation is a bit shaky (she made herself out to be a socialite due to her late Grandfather's long standing foundation, yet she is staying with her moms since Cordell essentially put her out). They were married about a year (2011) before they decided to join the Real Housewives franchise and air all their laundry- and let's face it dirty laundry gets better ratings. Get all the juicy details here.

So the gist is- she wanted to have a baby and a career and he wasn't having it. This argument played out in front of millions and he came off very controlling then, and throughout the season and says he didn't like how he was being portrayed so he told her she was not to return the next season. Word on the street is that she agreed, but soon after went back to the negotiation table. He got pissed and she had to find out thru the media that he had filed for divorce. Now, it's been about 3 months since that bit of news and while there was some word that they were trying to reconcile, it was reported the other day that he locked her out the house and said he will not be responsible for her financial troubles. Really dude?!

Love and Marriage... The Couples Retreat

Last weekend my husband and I went to a couples retreat held by Anspire Ministries. It was 2 days of laughing and learning and we absolutely had a wonderful time. We were invited by Chaplain Portia Lockett, who co-hosted the event with Dr. Velva Burley Flowers. First, let me say that if it is possible for you and your partner to go on a retreat, run  (don't walk) and make it happen because retreats are in existence for a reason. Couples need to get away from the day to day grind every now and then and remember the reason they are together in the first place. My husband and I definitely need a refreshers course so this came right on time.

This was our first time ever going to something like this, so I was just a tad apprehensive. Why? I didn't want to tell all my business (says the girl who has a blog) and all I could think about was that episode of Martin where he and Gina went to a retreat and they kept getting put in time out.


But, despite my preconceived notions, I kept an open mind and thank God it was nothing like this (though there was the occasional eye roll). So I am definitely a believer.

The weekend was held at Roberts Riverwalk Hotel & Residence, which is right on the Detroit Riverwalk, of course, and that alone made the scenery beautiful and serene. We checked in, received favor bags that included a ton of stuff including a bottle of sparkling juice and some bedroom goodies that were so unique they made some of the couples blush. But, the title of the retreat was "Revive ...The Passion", so I was not mad at that.

Over the course of the week-end we heard from some wonderful speakers who gave us some great info about finances, The 5 Love Languages and a workshop on rewriting the 4th step of marriage (which was pretty much steps on how to communicate better) given by relationship specialists Jesse Johnson and Melva Thomas Johnson, who have been married and working together for over 30 years. Find out more about them and their work on their website.

Of course it wasn't all business, there was a lot of fun, too. There was an early morning yoga class on Saturday morning and that night after the workshop we had a Date Night. This included a hype and hilarious game of musical chairs followed by ballroom dancing. Now, you may be thinking that playing musical chairs is a little juvenile, but if you get a group of fun loving (and might I add competitive) people together it doesn't matter what you play, you are guaranteed to have a good time. And for my FB friends that saw my post about my husband learning how to ballroom, you all understand my excitement. My husband has always been the one who DOES NOT DANCE, so for him to finally do it, it was a big deal to me. (There's hope for him after all.)

Overall, the week-end was awesome and I can't wait till the next one.

Have you ever been to a couples retreat? What was your experience?

Forever loving my B.A.D.D. kids (and my husband),
    Rhonda

Love and Marriage...It's Complicated

So I know that this blog is supposed to be dedicated to my kids and the ups and downs of motherhood, but I have been feeling the need to write about something lately that should come as no surprise...marriage is hard. I have a series in mind, I don't know what I'm going to call it, or exactly what I want to say about it, but I feel it quite necessary in my life right now. The majority of conversations I have with people (other than hair and make-up) is about relationships. Now, I am in no way, shape or form claiming to be a master of relationships because if I was, I wouldn't be going thru the flux myself. What I am saying however is that if this relationship was a paying job, I would be making six figures as the founder and CEO for my 17 years of experience in the field. Bam!

The reason I neglected to write about my relationship before is because: 1- I don't like putting my business out there when it comes to my marriage and 2- revert back to reason #1. But, as a  person whose been in a relationship for a long time, I realize that sometimes you just have to get 'ish off your chest. Out of respect for myself and my husband I won't give details, but I will talk about some of the solutions that we have tried: some have worked, some haven't. I have learned that just like motherhood, relationships are trial and error and the only thing you strive for day to day is to not cause bodily harm not hurt any one's feelings.

I think that people who see us from the outside looking in think that we have the picture perfect life- which is how it should look- everybody at your job should not know every argument you and your spouse have on a daily basis.Those who are closest to us know that even we struggle when it comes to our family life. You have to work hard to stay on #teamstaytogether.

I'm a nerd, which I have been very open about in my life time, so I have read many a book about relationships. Some people may loathe the self-help section, but I welcome it. I've read both of Steve Harvey's books, T. D. Jakes, Joel Osteen, a book called "How to Love a Black Man" (I know, don't judge me), and some others I can't remember the titles too.  But, the best self-help book you can find out there is the Bible. You better snuggle up to it on the regular because you gone need it if you plan on having a strong and healthy relationship (whether it be with yourself, your friends and family or your man), and that's real talk.

I don't know about you, but I rather hear the trials of someone who has tried, stumbled a little and got themselves together rather than someone who pretends that their life is perfect and they make no mistakes. So here's to the first of many love and marriage entries and to happy and healthy relationships.

Forever loving my B.A.D.D. kids,
 Rhonda