Are you guilty of "Mom Shaming"?

So, I'm sure you've heard of dog shaming: when a owner posts a picture of something crazy their pet did. I must admit some of the pics I've seen are kind of funny. Here are a few of my favorites:

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Pet shaming is harmless, they don't know what's going on and nobody's feelings are hurt (except the dog, maybe, but they get over it). But, you know what I can't stand and is when people Mom Shame. They make you feel guilty about not being able to do something because of responsibilities at home. It can cause people like me to Mom Shame myself sometimes off of pure guilt that I clearly am not the SuperMom they think I should be.

"But, Rhonda, nobody has taken a picture of you with a sign that reads, 'I let my kids wear the same jeans 3 times in a week as long as they don't stink and are not physically soiled'." No, they have not, thank God, but if you have heard or said any of the following you have been exposed to Mom Shaming:

 "Oh, I didn't invite you because I figured you had to do something with your kids."

 "You get take-out on Wednesdays? We usually save that for the weekends."

 "My children don't eat gluten or monosaturated fats." 

 "We missed you at the last meeting."

 "We were short staffed since you had to call in to take care of your sick child."

 "If you can't be committed, then please re-evaluate your membership."

 "Maybe you'll get to help out at the next fundraiser."

 "Nick's mom let him have a phone."

 "Please check one: Yes, I can help out for the school event in the morning, Yes, I can help out for the school event in the afternoon, No, I am unable to help out at this event or any other because I work."

Okay, so that last one was not worded exactly like that, but that's how I felt. There is a ton of guilt associated with being a mom, especially a working one who has dreams and goals of her own. I am not just a mother of two, I am a wife, a colleague, a dreamer, a writer, a songbird, a visionary, a counselor, and much much more. So while some of the shame is self-inflicted, I have to remind myself of all these complexities that create me. As long as my children are healthy, happy and satisfied, I can rest easy at night and could care less of what anyone thinks about my parenting abilities. Hashtag please go have several seats.

Has anyone every Mom Shamed you? How did you handle it?

Forever loving my BADD Kids,

Rhonda

Before and After Kids- A Mother's Reflection

There's a picture I have on my bookshelf with me and my friends from a party circa 2004. My hair was a little bit shorter, my nails were done and I was probably a size or two smaller. I don't remember much about that night and if it weren't for the picture I probably wouldn't even have thought twice about it. It just made me think about how life BK (before kids) was and how it seems like such a distant memory. The picture was a year before I got the title of "mommy", but I just wanted to share some ways my life has changed since then.

Y'all know about that club pose, don't front.- 2004

College Graduation- Dec. 2003

My baby shower Oct. 2005

Before Kids:
- My girl would call me up, last minute, sometimes after midnight to go hang out and I would be up and out the door. Now- there are no calls after midnight. There are no calls after 10 for that matter.

-I would hang out/ party at least once a month. Now- I still party, but it's usually in the company of babies and grade schoolers- a lot of them.

-Sleeping in meant getting up around 10 or 11. Now- sleeping in doesn't exist, these kids are up at 7:30 every morning.

-I would go the restroom alone. Now-  they want to hold family meetings when I'm on the porcelain throne.

-Going out to eat was a normal, everyday thing. Now- there has to be a budget/ coupon/ 2 for 1 special to feed my family of 4.

- I felt cute and sexy 80% of the time. Now- I find it hard to come out of "mommy mode" for some grown and sexy time. (Sorry hubby).

- I didn't even like kids. Now- I still don't. I love my children dearly.

- If I was sick, I would lay down and sleep it off. Now- moms don't get sick.

- On my days off, you could find me at the mall, at a restaurant or at the movies. Now- A day off from work just means a day on for housework and errands. In other words, moms don't get off days either.

- Date night was nothing but fun. Now- date night can be stressful when you have to find a babysitter, spend money you don't have on a movie that you may or may not like or fall asleep on.

- I could finish a meal with no interruptions. Now- yeah right.

I never knew that these little people could control my life in this way. Now- I can't imagine my life without them.

July 4th, 2014

Forever loving my B.A.D.D. kids,
Rhonda

Moving Tips...Not Really

It's funny that s fast as I wrote the post saying that I was combining my two blogs into one, I decided not to. I take pleasure in knowing that as a woman, (not to mention owner of the blogs in question), I can and will change my mind. #sorrynotsorry

So I realized that I had been so busy, that I didn't get a chance to spread the good news...We moved! We've been in the new house for a little over a month now and I absolutely love it. Moving from an apartment to a house was the best and long awaited thing I've done. Yes, I'm paying more a month, but it's worth every dime.

In addition to more space, we have peace of mind and wonderful neighbors. For anyone who remembers my Facebook posts over the years, I have had more than my share of neighbors from hell. I've had my packages stolen, my apartment nearly broken into, loud cursing, screaming and fighting all times of the night, and copper thieves who caused us to have to be evacuated. Needless to say, I don't miss a thing about apartment living and for those who are still enduring, may God be with you.

I was on Pinterest looking at other blogs' moving tips and I had gathered all my supplies: boxes, packaging tape, markers, bags, etc. I had planned on labeling each room a different color and since we had several weeks to move, I thought this was going to be the best moving experience we've had.

I would love to tell you that's what happened and I would love to give you helpful hints about moving and how to make it easy and stress free. Unfortunately, that just didn't happen for me, so I got nothing. There was broken furniture, punctured walls, too many masculine egos and tight jaws (maybe even a broken tooth) from me choosing to keep my mouth shut. But, what I do have is appreciation to my family for helping us move. But for the sake of our sanity and my teeth, I'm hiring movers next time.

Tell me something crazy that happened during your move.

Forever loving my B.A.D.D. Kids!

Love and Marriage: The Dreaded Conversations

So, if you've been keeping up with the Love and Marriage series, we've already talked about why people get married. Let's discuss those dreaded questions you should ask before the "I do's", maybe even before he pops the question. This is not a complete list, but it will at least open the door for some interesting and needed conversations.

Money-
Will we both work? Who will pay for what? Who will make sure bills are paid? Are you already in your chosen career or will you want to change careers, possibly go back to school? How much can we spend before we should consult with each other? Should we have joint bank accounts? How many bank accounts should there be total? How much should go into savings? What constitutes an emergency? What goals do we have regarding a house, vacation, etc? What is your credit score or any outstanding debts? Do you owe a relative or friend money? Do you have a problem with gambling? How much is too much to spend on a night out on the town with me or your friends? Are you considered the family ATM?

Why you need to know: Money is one of the top reasons couples argue and you need to know your soon to be's spending habits and overall thoughts about money.

Love and Marriage...It's Complicated

So I know that this blog is supposed to be dedicated to my kids and the ups and downs of motherhood, but I have been feeling the need to write about something lately that should come as no surprise...marriage is hard. I have a series in mind, I don't know what I'm going to call it, or exactly what I want to say about it, but I feel it quite necessary in my life right now. The majority of conversations I have with people (other than hair and make-up) is about relationships. Now, I am in no way, shape or form claiming to be a master of relationships because if I was, I wouldn't be going thru the flux myself. What I am saying however is that if this relationship was a paying job, I would be making six figures as the founder and CEO for my 17 years of experience in the field. Bam!

The reason I neglected to write about my relationship before is because: 1- I don't like putting my business out there when it comes to my marriage and 2- revert back to reason #1. But, as a  person whose been in a relationship for a long time, I realize that sometimes you just have to get 'ish off your chest. Out of respect for myself and my husband I won't give details, but I will talk about some of the solutions that we have tried: some have worked, some haven't. I have learned that just like motherhood, relationships are trial and error and the only thing you strive for day to day is to not cause bodily harm not hurt any one's feelings.

I think that people who see us from the outside looking in think that we have the picture perfect life- which is how it should look- everybody at your job should not know every argument you and your spouse have on a daily basis.Those who are closest to us know that even we struggle when it comes to our family life. You have to work hard to stay on #teamstaytogether.

I'm a nerd, which I have been very open about in my life time, so I have read many a book about relationships. Some people may loathe the self-help section, but I welcome it. I've read both of Steve Harvey's books, T. D. Jakes, Joel Osteen, a book called "How to Love a Black Man" (I know, don't judge me), and some others I can't remember the titles too.  But, the best self-help book you can find out there is the Bible. You better snuggle up to it on the regular because you gone need it if you plan on having a strong and healthy relationship (whether it be with yourself, your friends and family or your man), and that's real talk.

I don't know about you, but I rather hear the trials of someone who has tried, stumbled a little and got themselves together rather than someone who pretends that their life is perfect and they make no mistakes. So here's to the first of many love and marriage entries and to happy and healthy relationships.

Forever loving my B.A.D.D. kids,
 Rhonda

We need to pray for our children

There are a lot of families in mourning today. As I watched the coverage of the Connecticut school shootings and read the articles over the week-end, I tried to write this post, but the tears took over and I had to take a pause. Unfortunately, mass shootings and crazy people with guns have become the norm with morning news, but this one hit home for me because I am a mother and my heart aches for the children and teachers that were lost during this horrible event. I can not imagine the pain that these parents, teachers and the community as a whole are going through. I pray for them and their strength.

As a Christian I try to find that light in the middle of the darkness, but I find it hard to do when the children lost were innocent bystanders. What light, except for the heroic actions taken by students and staff can be found in this? And now parents have to live without their children and try to explain to those who survived how and why something like this could happen.

So, I used this tragedy as a teaching moment and I told my children the same thing again I told them before and I explained to them that while they are safe, we tell them these things just in case, just like the firefighter came to their school and told them what to do if there is a fire. My son didn't understand why I won't buy him any toy guns or let him play violent video games. I told him that pretending to shoot someone should not be any child's ideal of fun. There are other things to do. I have also told him and his sister that if they ever see a gun or somebody with a gun, go get an adult- do not touch it, don't let anybody else touch it, pick it up or play with it. Get away from it as quickly as possible because guns are dangerous and they hurt people.  I also took the opportunity to re-tell them about strangers and just explain to them that there are some bad people in the world and if somebody ever tried to give them candy or show them a puppy, or touched them in any way while I was not in their sight, they are to scream, kick and fight because no one should be talking to them without my permission. I kept it short and sweet, but it made me realize that this is not just a one time conversation. This is something that kids should be told continuously.

I was at work when the news broke and their was a little girl, probably around 4 or so, and she saw all the commotion on TV and she asked who I can assume was her dad, "What's going on on TV?" And his reply was, "Oh, that's were them kids got killed." After I picked my jaw up off the floor and he was out of earshot, my co-worker and I had some not very nice words to say about him. What an insensitive, shocking and straight up ignorant thing to say to anyone, let alone a little child. I cant believe how immune and de-sensitized some people have become. I can't say that I soak in every bit of bad news I hear, but when it comes to 20 children being killed in this magnitude, I can't help but to open my heart up to that.

There are many conversations being had today about the safety of our kids' schools. I am confident in my children's safety. I would never have them go somewhere where I didn't feel they were safe. Bad things can happen anywhere: schools, movie theatres, churches, and we have to do more than just be cautious and prepared, we have to be prayed up. I pray for my children all the time because they are closer to me than my skin. I don't want to become one of those overprotective, overbearing parents but it's times like these when you don't want to let them out of your sight. I want them to be able to live a normal life without fear, so whenever I can't protect them, I have the up most faith that the Lord will.

Times have definitely changed since I was in school and our children are dealing with so many things we didn't have to deal with. We have to be there for them. talk to them, hug them, tell them we love them. Don't ignore the signs of fear and depression, hoping that they will "grow out of it". We have already seen what denial can do. Let's stop brushing things under the rug and start having those uncomfortable conversations with our children. And after we continue to have those conversations, we have to be sensitive to there needs and above all, never stop praying.

Positively loving my Beautiful And Delightfully Dynamic Kids,
                                                  Rhonda

Just a little advise for when motherhood gets hard

(This is a re-post from Mich Moms blog published 2009.)

Whenever I go to a baby shower, I usually sign the card with something like this: “There is nothing more fulfilling, scary, astonishing and overwhelming than being a mother. Remember to enjoy the good moments but, take the not so good ones in stride.” Lately, I’ve come to realize that it’s important to tell a mother this whether her child is a new born or grown with their own kids. There are a few mothers that I know (and probably some that I don’t know) who need to be uplifted.

I know it’s hard being a mother and being heartbroken over what your child has done. Mothers feel responsible for their children and tend to carry the guilt of their children’s failures on their shoulders. Not only that, but society is quick to fault mothers too. I myself have said that a child had no home training when I saw them being unruly in public.

Carrying all that weight is a heavy burden to bear. Just try to remember that although there will be times that are scary and overwhelming, letting the good outweigh the bad is what will bring the fulfillment. There is no one proven way in raising a child that will guarantee their success. If there was, please believe that whatever forms the info came in, whether book, DVD, or lecture, it would be sold out on a continuous basis.

You can be a straight laced, bible toter or a laid back “I want my child to be my friend” type of parent and the outcome is still unknown. All we can do as mothers is raise our children with love and pray that when they are coming into adult hood, we have given them enough compassion and understanding of how the world works, that they will make the right decisions. And if not, that’s okay, because we will still be there to help guide them along the way. We just have to remember that there is a fine line between guidance and total take over.

So to every mother who has had their bumps in the road and mountains to climb, stay in a positive mind and take it all in stride. 

I can't keep up.

My children keep me busy and they are barely into grade school. My son is in kindergarten while my daughter is in day care, preparing to go to pre-school in the fall. Every couple of weeks I get letters and calendars from both of their teachers letting me know what type of events they have coming up. Yes, it's March and I should have the hang of all this by now, but for some reason I can't keep up with all the pajama days and school spirit days. I feel so bad when I go to drop my child off and everyone else is dressed up but them.

My first instinct was to blame my husband because he fixes their lunch and gets them dressed in the morning, but as my mama and Dr. Phil would tell me, it's not fair blaming him cause it takes two. But, when a teacher asked me "Ohh, you didn't know it was green day?" I could feel the guilt and the blame well up inside me. I work a full time job and run a side business that keeps my week-ends locked up so yes, I forget to look at the calendar and see that green is the color of the day. Are my kids clean? Yes. Are they fed? Yes. Are they healthy and happy? Yes and Yes. That's my priority, but I know that they don't see it that way.

So what do you do when you are so busy? You plan ahead. On Sunday night I look at the upcoming week and plan accordingly. (At least that's the plan.) I had tried waiting the night before, but that just puts me in rush mode. Case in point. I went to a business expo and my husband was at home allllll day. My son's school had been doing a reading month celebration and that week was kind of dedicated to Dr. Seuss and the next day was dress up as your favorite Dr. Seuss character. When I got home I asked my husband if he knew what our son was going to dress up as. He had no clue. Mind you, it's 7:30 pm. (Dr. Phil, are you absolutely sure this isn't his fault?) So, I go into supermom mode and put my thinking cap on. Maybe you can run to Toy's R' Us and get a Cat in the Hat hat. But, how much is that gonna cost, we're on a budget. Then he asked our son what his favorite character was? Thing One from Cat in the Hat, he said and the light bulb went off in my head.

I sent my husband out to the store and I told him to bring me some blue hairspray and the biggest can of holding spray he could find. I wrote on a piece of paper and pinned it to a red shirt and I totally destroyed a wig of mine (now that's love). The blue hairspray looked more like purple so I had to mix some acrylic paints that I had to create the perfect blue. I put the wig in front of a fan overnight and below was his costume for the day.

As you can see, he loved it and I was happy to make him happy. I never want to make him or his sister feel out of place and lets face it, some kids are mean. Can I keep up with all of the different dress up days and school functions? Probably not, but I'll give it the old college try.

What do you do to keep up with your kid's schedule?

In need of a personal retreat

I need to take a break. A day, a full 24 hours to myself. No husband, no kids, no work, no business, no phone calls, no email, no drama. No cooking, no cleaning, no fussing, no stressing, no planning, no lists. Just me, my music, some good food, ice cream, a couple of good movies, magazines and a good book (something real juicy). I might even take my husband's game (if I can pry it out of his hands) and play Dance Central all night. Ohh, and my karaoke machine and ...wait, I might need two days.

I am often told that I don't know how to relax. I have always tried to be supermom, and I have the Halloween pics to prove it. But, the stress has left me emotionally, spiritually and physically exhausted. And I realize that I'm married and I should "share the wealth" as far as responsibilities go, but I'll be the first to admit that I am a control freak and I want things done when I want it and how I want it. Don't judge me.

So I'm thinking that there is no way that I can go on this little "retreat" in my own home. Why? Because it's just not possible. Even if I can manage to send the hubby and kids off to do something for a day, I still won't be able to do something non-house related. There is always something to clean and I just can't concentrate sometimes. I will definitely be getting a room for a night.

The thing that really opened my eyes to needing this mini time out is while I was watching Oprah's Lifeclass, which has been the best free therapy I could have received. On this particular episode they talked about how people need to slow down, because they are on autopilot and not only missing out, but making horrible mistakes. There was one woman who's story broke my heart and I remember hearing about her several years ago when it first happened. She forgot to drop her daughter off at day care and the daughter died from sitting in the back of the hot car for 8 hours. Another man forgot to turn off his wife's car that was sitting in their attached garage and she and their pets died of carbon monoxide poisoning. But, then there was a lady who took a year off from her family because she was so drained that getting away was the only way to get back to being her.

And that's where I began to think about me and my life. Lately, I have felt like I'm rushing all the time. I'm always looking at a clock and everything is always a countdown to something else. By the end of the day I'm exhausted and in the morning it's a struggle to get out the bed. I don't mind working full time while also building up my business and taking care of my family, but I don't want to wear myself thin either. So, I'm hoping that this retreat will be the first of many to help me become more balanced and more appreciative of the moment I'm living now.

I'm also going to allow myself the opportunity to let go of my frustrations, my disappointments, my imperfections, my hurt, my fears and my anger. I'm going to pray, meditate, I might even cry and just deal with me and how to keep myself sane. I can't do nothing for my family or my business if I'm a hot mess. We as parents, spouses and human beings give and give until we are on empty and I am drained. I , whom have always been a positive person, feel a little less hopeful about my relationships because I feel disconnected from everybody. Truth is, I'm disconnected from myself.

I don't know how soon this day of solitude will happen, but I can't wait. This past year was a good year, but it was me who stopped it from being great. I won't make the same mistake twice. I'm taking time out for me.

What would you do with a day all to yourself?