Love and Marriage: Continue to Date Each Other

So when I started writing this post about dating your spouse, I wanted to do some investigating on dating. It's not a term I hear too much these days and I wanted to know if people still do it. I often hear phrases like, "we talking", " we kicking it", "some dude I was messing with", but I hardly ever hear the word "dating". Even though I knew I would see different definitions, I wasn't even ready for the Urban Dictionary, which says it's "a form of prostitution." Say what?!

Have we lost sight of what it means to actually break bread, laugh, talk, get to know somebody before any prostitution like thoughts are had? So clearly, dating means different thing to different people.

My personal definition of dating is two people, sharing an experience that lets them get to know each other better, sharing their dreams, wishes and aspirations with, and getting to know one another on an emotional, spiritual and physical level.

It's no mystery that people change. They mature, or life in general happens and it changes their views on life. Not only that, but when you add in the daily pressure of work, bills, husband, wife, kids, house and car, life can get in the way and you look up and not only don't recognize the person you married, but you don't even recognize yourself. That's why it's so important to continue to date each other, even years after you say "I do."

So here's two of my favorite date night ideas. One is from Find Joy in the Journey Blog and the other is from Life in the Greenhouse Blog, both of which I stumbled upon on Pinterest.

12 Months of Dates- Find Joy in the Journey

Source

How it Works: Basically, you have 12 envelopes, one for each month. Inside each envelope is a pre-planned and sometimes pre-paid date. They are a mix of at home, out on the town and even one out of town date and you and your spouse open the envelope together at the beginning of the month, choose a day, and enjoy the fun. (You can plan the out of town date for your anniversary month.)
Why it Works: I love that feeling of anticipation. And nothing is better than anticipating some alone time with your boo. It gives you something to look forward to. Plus, you and your mate come together and plan, instead of leaving it up to one person.


Date Night Jar- Life in the Greenhouse

Source

How it Works: Take about 15-20 big popsicle sticks, color code them with one color for stay at home dates, one color for more planned out and expensive dates and one color for less expensive but still planned out dates. Whenever the feeling hits, decide on a budget, pull a color coordinated stick and have wonderful date night.
Why it Works: Hopefully, you have already come together and decided what date goes with what budget and it's as simple as picking a stick. Also, you don't have to have that "what do you want to do, I don't know what do you want to do conversation", which by the way, I absolutely hate.

Of course there are tons of other date night ideas you can incorporate into your relationship, these were just my favorites. Plus, they're easy to do.

Another site you can check out is The Dating Divas, they have literally tons of ideas. I love their tagline: "Strengthening marriages one date at a time", because that's exactly what dating your spouse does. 

So, tell me, what are some of your favorite date night ideas? Would you ever incorporate a date night envelope or jar to your routine? I want to know all the juicy details (well, not all), but yes, do share.

Forever loving my B.A.D.D. Kids, (and my husband, too),
Rhonda

Love and Marriage: Communication is Key

I remember in the early part of our marriage, my husband and I would argue about the most ridiculous stuff. One incident in particular (which happened 3 years ago I might add) started with me asking him for the last piece of cornbread from some BBQ take out place we love. He said no, I asked him again, he again said no, and that resulted in me slapping his plate out of his hands onto the floor. (Don't judge me.)

The reality is that it wasn't about the cornbread (even though it is that good). There were a number of things that had happened during that time and him not giving me his cornbread was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Needless to say, the argument didn't end there, I mean my man's plate was on the floor. So we went back and forth, my plate got tossed in the garbage as payback and we both went to bed mad and hungry. Let me explain. It was a year to the day that my dad had passed and I was going though some things and didn't realize it until the plate had hit the floor. But, if I would have told him that I was feeling depressed, overwhelmed and not appreciated instead of expecting him to be able to just know I was going through those things, we would have both been able to enjoy our meal.  

I said all that to say, that as a couple you have to keep the lines of communication open. You can't assume that your significant other knows what's going on in your head cause they have their own issues to deal with. If you are mad, sad or glad about something, let them know. I think I mentioned this in an earlier post, but you should check in with each other frequently, whether it's once a day or once a week, just to let them know what's going on. I hardly ever tell my husband about what's going on at work because I leave work, at work and when I'm at home it's wife and mommy mode, so I don't have time to dwell on the goings on of my job. But, when I check in with him, that gives him a chance to see that work life is just as stressful as home life and he helps out more as a result.

So #teamstaytogether came up with some rules that has helped us over the years. Do we break them from time to time? Yes, but there's no such thing as perfect people or a perfect marriage. Here's a few for your viewing pleasure:

1. Say what you mean and mean what you say. I tell people to be very careful with the words they say because words can not be taken back once they are put out there. That whole "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" saying is a lie. Words can sometimes cut so deep that people are affected years later.

2. Go to your corner and regroup.When a conversation gets heated, I have to walk away and take 2 minutes before I break rule #1.

3. Don't go days without speaking. It's not one of my best qualities, but I can hold a grudge.(Or at least I used to.) Nobody knows that better than my husband because I can play passive aggressive and sarcastic queen like nobody's business. Oh, I'll talk to you, but you only gonna get either one word answers or the total opposite of the truth. I've learned to play nice and not hold out on talking to my husband when we can't agree to disagree because frankly, life is too short.

4. Never argue in front of others, especially your kids. This is just self explanatory. Fighting with your mate is intimate and ugly and should be kept between the two of you.

5. Don't let things build up and then you argue about something as simple as a lost sock. If you've learned anything from the story above, it's that you should let your mate know when they do something that bothers you. Nobody can fix what they can't acknowledge, and if they don't know they are hurting you, it's your own fault for not letting it be known.

6. If all else fails, don't be ashamed to get professional help- sometimes a third party helps. You ever told somebody something a million and thirty-seven times, but then when they hear it one time from someone else, they "get it". I don't know what's up with that, but that is what couples counseling can do for you. Some people think it's not worth the time or money, but if your relationship is as important as you claim it is, you will exhaust all options to get your communication skills up to par. The counselor is there to observe and suggest ways to make it better. Believe me, it will work if you do the work.

Because we're in a better place, we can laugh about it now, but at the time of the cornbread debacle of 2010, it was going down. You live and you learn. Of course there are many things you can do when it comes to communicating with your spouse and you might as well become familiar with them because there is not one area of a relationship that is not held up by communication. By the way, he offers me his last piece of food almost every single time.

What are some of your communication tips?

Until next time,
Forever loving my B.A.D.D. Kids (and my Husband),
Rhonda

I might be the only mother who dreads back to school time

I feel the tension in my neck just thinking about it. Drill Sergeant mornings commanding my kids to brush there teeth and get ready for school, packing lunches that barely get eaten, traffic with thousands of parents hitting the streets again, trying to make the drop offs and punch the daily clock on time. Not to mention the back to school sales and lists of recommended school supplies that specify Crayola. (I guess the $1 store brand is out of the question.) Budgets become non existent when the perfect backpack is in mind.

Needless to say, back to school time stresses me out. Where are my moments of singing and jumping in the air like they do on the commercials? Those must be stay-at-home moms cause I don't feel that kind of joy. I'm glad that they are learning and socializing, but getting them to school is more than a notion. I've thought several times about homeschooling, but I don't have the patience for that either. This working mom is trying to figure out how to juggle cooking, homework, baths and one on one time with my kids with the 3 hours of time we'll have together in the evenings (bedtime is 8:30).

The good news is that my kids do wonderfully at school. I've been told they are some of the smartest and well behaved children in there classes, so they make it easy for us as parents.  The even better news is that since they are getting older, they can help out. I'm going to have them help fix their own lunches and pick out their clothes the night before. That should also eliminate the "I can't find my shoes" debacle every morning. We'll get our routine together eventually.

So, I guess I'll start the back to school countdown and lift my imaginary glass of sparkling grape juice (it's too early for wine) and toast it up to another healthy, happy and drama free school year.

Forever loving my B.A.D.D. Kids,
  Rhonda

Love and Marriage: The Dreaded Conversations

So, if you've been keeping up with the Love and Marriage series, we've already talked about why people get married. Let's discuss those dreaded questions you should ask before the "I do's", maybe even before he pops the question. This is not a complete list, but it will at least open the door for some interesting and needed conversations.

Money-
Will we both work? Who will pay for what? Who will make sure bills are paid? Are you already in your chosen career or will you want to change careers, possibly go back to school? How much can we spend before we should consult with each other? Should we have joint bank accounts? How many bank accounts should there be total? How much should go into savings? What constitutes an emergency? What goals do we have regarding a house, vacation, etc? What is your credit score or any outstanding debts? Do you owe a relative or friend money? Do you have a problem with gambling? How much is too much to spend on a night out on the town with me or your friends? Are you considered the family ATM?

Why you need to know: Money is one of the top reasons couples argue and you need to know your soon to be's spending habits and overall thoughts about money.

My Superstar Student

So this is the last week of school for my son and he was the superstar student last week. For Monday he had to fill in this poster board that was all about him: his favorite color, food to eat, etc. Tuesday, he brought in his favorite toy to show the class and Wednesday was his favorite book. Then, on Thursday I had to send in a parent letter or poem about him. It could be a funny or special story about him, pictures or a poem. Per his request (he's just like me in that aspect), I wrote a poem with his name as the focus point. Want to hear it, hear it go.

Christopher is my first born child

And he's so special to me.

Keep listening on to my poem 

And you too will see.

C is for creative, he loves to build with his hands.

H is for handsome, his smile is so grand.

R is for responsible, he always does his home work.

I is for imaginative, he has the best looking artwork.

S is for super, he loves to have super hero fun.

T is for taste buds, he also loves to eat honey buns.

O is for obedient, I rarely have to say something twice.

P is for peaceful, he's always so polite.

H is for happy, he is such a happy kid.

E is for entertaining, always showing me something new he did.

R is for radioactive, I only chose this word because,

With all the great things he already is, it would be kinda cool if he was.

-Rhonda 5/27/13

He said the class enjoyed it and laughed at the honey bun part, and the line about being radioactive. It was fun for me too. I got to flex my poetry skills and write about one of my favorite things in the world- my kids. Until next time.

Forever loving my B.A.D.D. Kids!

Love and Marriage: Don't Settle for Trophy Wife

I have re-written this post several times because I have been trying to find the right way to say what I wanted to say. And it hit me the other morning listening to entertainment news on my drive in to work. If you are a fan of Real Housewives of Atlanta (as I am) than you will know the newest cast member Porsha Stewart and her Husband Cordell and the drama they are going thru. To get you up to speed, Cordell is an ex-NFL pro and Porsha who's money situation is a bit shaky (she made herself out to be a socialite due to her late Grandfather's long standing foundation, yet she is staying with her moms since Cordell essentially put her out). They were married about a year (2011) before they decided to join the Real Housewives franchise and air all their laundry- and let's face it dirty laundry gets better ratings. Get all the juicy details here.

So the gist is- she wanted to have a baby and a career and he wasn't having it. This argument played out in front of millions and he came off very controlling then, and throughout the season and says he didn't like how he was being portrayed so he told her she was not to return the next season. Word on the street is that she agreed, but soon after went back to the negotiation table. He got pissed and she had to find out thru the media that he had filed for divorce. Now, it's been about 3 months since that bit of news and while there was some word that they were trying to reconcile, it was reported the other day that he locked her out the house and said he will not be responsible for her financial troubles. Really dude?!

10 things I learned as a mother

I hope that everyone's Mother's Day is blessed and filled with lots of love and relaxation. I, being the type of person who doesn't know how to truly relax, decided to write this post instead.

During my journey through motherhood there have been somethings that I have learned along the way. Here are a few, in no particular order.

-Once kids learn the word "mama", they never stop using it.
-No 2 children are created equally. (My first born is quiet as a mouse, second born doesn't know the meaning of using your "inside voice".
-Didn't know that my mother would take such joy in seeing me fuss at my own kids with one simple word: "payback".
-Once the kids came into the picture, I was now a non-factor.
-Didn't know that kids as little as 4 and 7 could talk themselves out of being in trouble.
-I never believed my parents when they would say that they punished me because they loved me until becoming a mother
-Motherly instincts are real and you would do any and everything to protect them.
-My children would run my life.
-I wouldn't mind them running my life because my life is totally about them now.
-My children are closer to me than my skin and that's where I always want them to be.

Mother's Day is bittersweet because although I am blessed to still have my mama, there are some who are not as fortunate. Whatever your situation, be thankful for the mother/mother figures you've ever had in your life because whether you realize it or not, that relationship has been vital to the person that you are today.

Happy Mother's Day!
In remembrance of Annie Pearl Davis. Love you, Grandma!


Forever loving my B.A.D.D. Kids,
Rhonda

Love and Marriage... The Couples Retreat

Last weekend my husband and I went to a couples retreat held by Anspire Ministries. It was 2 days of laughing and learning and we absolutely had a wonderful time. We were invited by Chaplain Portia Lockett, who co-hosted the event with Dr. Velva Burley Flowers. First, let me say that if it is possible for you and your partner to go on a retreat, run  (don't walk) and make it happen because retreats are in existence for a reason. Couples need to get away from the day to day grind every now and then and remember the reason they are together in the first place. My husband and I definitely need a refreshers course so this came right on time.

This was our first time ever going to something like this, so I was just a tad apprehensive. Why? I didn't want to tell all my business (says the girl who has a blog) and all I could think about was that episode of Martin where he and Gina went to a retreat and they kept getting put in time out.


But, despite my preconceived notions, I kept an open mind and thank God it was nothing like this (though there was the occasional eye roll). So I am definitely a believer.

The weekend was held at Roberts Riverwalk Hotel & Residence, which is right on the Detroit Riverwalk, of course, and that alone made the scenery beautiful and serene. We checked in, received favor bags that included a ton of stuff including a bottle of sparkling juice and some bedroom goodies that were so unique they made some of the couples blush. But, the title of the retreat was "Revive ...The Passion", so I was not mad at that.

Over the course of the week-end we heard from some wonderful speakers who gave us some great info about finances, The 5 Love Languages and a workshop on rewriting the 4th step of marriage (which was pretty much steps on how to communicate better) given by relationship specialists Jesse Johnson and Melva Thomas Johnson, who have been married and working together for over 30 years. Find out more about them and their work on their website.

Of course it wasn't all business, there was a lot of fun, too. There was an early morning yoga class on Saturday morning and that night after the workshop we had a Date Night. This included a hype and hilarious game of musical chairs followed by ballroom dancing. Now, you may be thinking that playing musical chairs is a little juvenile, but if you get a group of fun loving (and might I add competitive) people together it doesn't matter what you play, you are guaranteed to have a good time. And for my FB friends that saw my post about my husband learning how to ballroom, you all understand my excitement. My husband has always been the one who DOES NOT DANCE, so for him to finally do it, it was a big deal to me. (There's hope for him after all.)

Overall, the week-end was awesome and I can't wait till the next one.

Have you ever been to a couples retreat? What was your experience?

Forever loving my B.A.D.D. kids (and my husband),
    Rhonda

Love and Marriage...It's Complicated

So I know that this blog is supposed to be dedicated to my kids and the ups and downs of motherhood, but I have been feeling the need to write about something lately that should come as no surprise...marriage is hard. I have a series in mind, I don't know what I'm going to call it, or exactly what I want to say about it, but I feel it quite necessary in my life right now. The majority of conversations I have with people (other than hair and make-up) is about relationships. Now, I am in no way, shape or form claiming to be a master of relationships because if I was, I wouldn't be going thru the flux myself. What I am saying however is that if this relationship was a paying job, I would be making six figures as the founder and CEO for my 17 years of experience in the field. Bam!

The reason I neglected to write about my relationship before is because: 1- I don't like putting my business out there when it comes to my marriage and 2- revert back to reason #1. But, as a  person whose been in a relationship for a long time, I realize that sometimes you just have to get 'ish off your chest. Out of respect for myself and my husband I won't give details, but I will talk about some of the solutions that we have tried: some have worked, some haven't. I have learned that just like motherhood, relationships are trial and error and the only thing you strive for day to day is to not cause bodily harm not hurt any one's feelings.

I think that people who see us from the outside looking in think that we have the picture perfect life- which is how it should look- everybody at your job should not know every argument you and your spouse have on a daily basis.Those who are closest to us know that even we struggle when it comes to our family life. You have to work hard to stay on #teamstaytogether.

I'm a nerd, which I have been very open about in my life time, so I have read many a book about relationships. Some people may loathe the self-help section, but I welcome it. I've read both of Steve Harvey's books, T. D. Jakes, Joel Osteen, a book called "How to Love a Black Man" (I know, don't judge me), and some others I can't remember the titles too.  But, the best self-help book you can find out there is the Bible. You better snuggle up to it on the regular because you gone need it if you plan on having a strong and healthy relationship (whether it be with yourself, your friends and family or your man), and that's real talk.

I don't know about you, but I rather hear the trials of someone who has tried, stumbled a little and got themselves together rather than someone who pretends that their life is perfect and they make no mistakes. So here's to the first of many love and marriage entries and to happy and healthy relationships.

Forever loving my B.A.D.D. kids,
 Rhonda

My daughter said the "S" word and I almost fainted

There I was minding my business when she said it out of the blue: "Mama, you and my daddy have sex." It wasn't even a question. It was a statement, like she knew without a doubt she was telling on me to myself.

It took me a minute to register what she had said but once I did, I was literally lost for words. This girl is 4 years old. In what world is it okay for her to ask me about sex at such a young age? That's it, no more TV!

I had always said that I would talk to my children about sex before they hit puberty so that they wouldn't be out in the world uninformed and experimenting on their own, but today was not supposed to be that day.

So after I asked her where did she hear about that from and hoping with all my soul that she didn't hear us during a "marital encounter", I just explained to her that "that" is something that married people do and she doesn't have to worry about it for a long time. I also explained to her that sex is not something that children talk about.

Yes, it was the cowards way out but I couldn't even think of anything else to say. That should buy me another couple of years, at least until I'm ready to have the real talk.

What do you think, was my approach right or did I miss an important teaching moment? What would you have done?